enrages | Karson Valenti's Voice Mail

Karson Valenti's Voice Mail

"NO, WAL-MART, I'M NOT GOING TO RETURN YOUR FUCKING CALLS. I APPLIED TO YOUR SHITTYASS STORE, LIKE, A GODDAMN YEAR AGO. I DON'T. WANT. THE. JOB. STOP CALLING.

If you're not Wal-Mart or a telemarketer, just leave a message, and I'll probably get back to you eventually. Seriously, though, this is 2012. Why the hell aren't you using something that's suitably futuristic and technologically advanced, like text messages or email? Who the fuck calls people anymore, I me---"

*beeeep*

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

is it
someone i care about

Uh.

On a scale of one to 8, how much do you give a shit a8out that Aria chick.

oh my fucking god you did NOT.

Yeah no I totally did.

I ME8N SPINNERET DID.
You.
You knew that's wh8t I meant, r8ght.

wait

okay, is aria currently alive or dead?
please tell me that you haven't been trying to live up to your predecessor and just decided to start slaughtering people i like.
please.

OH MY GOD YOU SERIOUSLY THOUGHT I KILLED HER WHAT THE FUCK.
I don't know if I should 8e horrified 8ecause UM WOW NOT A MURDERER or weirdly touched 8ecause you didn't instantly call the cops!
ARIA IS ALIVE, YOU ENORMOUS TOOL.
MEGIDO is dead! 8ecause that was her name.
And apparently I could talk to her after she was dead? It must 8e a Jesus thing. Direct calls to the afterlife.

I C8NNOT 8ELIEVE YOU TH8UGHT I KILL8D HER YOU 8RE THE WORST PRO8A8LY8ROTHER CO-JESUS EV8R.

oH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO THINK!?!?
I GET A TEXT MESSAGE OF "HEY I MIGHT HAVE KILLED SOMEONE HELP ME OUT"
YOU'RE DATING ALAN, WHO I WILL MAINTAIN IS A VERY GOOD FRIEND, BUT IS ALSO A PSYCHOMURDERER SOMETIMES, NOT THAT THAT'S A BAD THING WHEN DIRECTED TOWARDS PEOPLE WHO AREN'T ME.
PSYCHO MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT CONTAGIOUS, YOU KNOW?
I'M JUST COVERING MY BASES HERE.

but now that you mention it, like killing aria's past self...
that actually explains a few things.

ALAN IS NOT A PSYCHOMURDERER STOP CALLING HIM A PSYCHOMURDERER ALAN IS A HERO AND A HOTTIE AND A NOTPSYCHO FUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU.

[ pls take eight copies of this sent in quick succession. ur welcome]

Ok that said what the fuck does that explain 8ecause I don't get ANY of it. 8|
I was 8la88ing a8out revenge and how Megido didn't want any?
I was all "I KILLED YOUUUUUUUU" and she was like "i d0nt care" and I was super frustr8ted. So explain!

uhgrh fuck you are going to pay my goddamn phone bill, woman.
i think i get charged for every text you send????? fuckkkkk

and i don't know about your memory or whatever, but she
well you can't tell anyone about this ESPECIALLY NOT HER.
but she

just
really really
doesn't like you, man.
so maybe that's some history or something.

Oh.
Well I mean. That's fine. I 8n't going to give even the most solitary and singular shits a8out whether she likes me or not. Why w8uld I give ev8n the most p8ltry of f8cks!
So that 8n't a pro8lem.
In fact, it is a load off m8 m8nd! She has done me a F8VOR 8y not liking me 8ecause now I d8n't have to feel 8ad. Not th8t I did! 8ut if I HAD 8een I would now 8e exoner8ted of any 8ad feeling. Whew!

Also I will totally pay your phone 8ills forever if you want me to. Not 8ecause I am trying to appear nice or lika8le! 8ut 8ecause I am super rich, and my life is so envia8le, and I just echoed 8ack a fuckhuge pile of treasure and I may as well do that for you so that you have more money to spend on Cra8.

1) yes pay my phone bill
2) no, this is terrible. you two need to stop hating each other right the fuck now.
i'm not going to deal with you guys not working together when the soulbond groups need you too or just creating dumbshit bitchy drama.
plus wow all my friends have to be friends, none of this some people hating other people shit.
she's a cool girl-- and she's nice too.
don't hate her, and don't make her hate you!
go apologize for killing her!!!

Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey whoa.
Did I say I h8ted her? No! No I did not.
I don't h8 ANY8ODY we're soul8onded with afaik! Not even the piss8a8y. He's just incredi8ly dislika8le. 8ut I don't h8 him!
I mean yes ok Aria was a ro8ot and I am running on a strict policy of RO8OTS ARE TERRI8LE AND EVIL 8ecause one punched Spinneret for no apparent reason this one time. 8ut I don't H8 her! I am not a past life racist.
And I am NOT apologising for things she 8n't got any idea past me did! ESPECIALLY when she don't like me just 8ecause I am spunky and spirited and hotsexier than her, and also I might have past-life killed her this one time. I mean WOW. Oversensitive much????????

okay fine, fine, i jumped the gun there.
you don't hate her, but i don't want any fucking hostility.
and you know what'll create hostility??
if she finds out YOU KILLED HER and you KNEW YOU KILLED HER and just didn't tell her.
do you even comprehend the amount of bitching that would come from a realization like that?
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF THE SHEER AMOUNT OF FACEBOOK ARGUMENTS IT WILL CAUSE?????
here's her number:
[ this is a number ]
TEXT HER AND JUST APOLOGIZE.

Y8U C8N'T M8KE ME Y8U'RE N8T THE 8OSS OF M

Well ok you kind of are the 8oss of me in SOME AREAS I GUESS 8UT THIS IS STUPID.
What if I just anonymously send her flowers! THAT'S WAY 8ETTER THAN AN APOLOGY. And it means I 8n't got to apologise for shit I didn't TECHNICALLY do!

okay, send her flowers.
but not shitty flowers.
they have to be nice, pretty ones.
maybe send her some chocolates too.

Are you TRYING to make me look like a 8ig anonymous les8ian?
FUCK MY STUP8D LIFE I'LL AP8LOG8ZE.
8ut if she ro8osnaps and kills me and then Alan kills HER out of 8roken-hearted revenge, it will 8e YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!! >8C

isn't she like a robot magical girl though??
idk i think that's what she said.
magical girls dont snap and kill people, moron.

ALSO I THOUGHT THE CHOCOLATES WERE A NICE, PLATONIC TOUCH.

RO8OTS snap and kill people. Duh! Think of EVERY RO8OT MOVIE EVER.
And also my past life punchings!
I am pretty sure it was that Chris chick who punched me? 8ecause she is an Aries and also a ro8ot. And the punch8ot had an Aries sign on her ro8odress!
8ASICALLY fuck ro8ots. And fuck chocolates and FUCK YOU I SENT THE MESSAGE *IF I DIE IT IS STILL YOUR FAULT.*
You will have KILLED YOUR CO-JESUS SISTER to appease your leadervanity.
And that's terri8le!

wait shit is chris in our soulbond group!?!?
and you AREN'T GOING TO DIE. by robots or nonrobots, i promise.
this is a total jesus-promise. which means, much like the circle of life or the circle of poverty, it can never be broken.

I don't know! None of her other stuff fits so may8e not. 8ut I am KEEPING AN EYE ON HER. >8C
Uh, the Roxy chick is pro8a8ly in, though. The one with the pink text and typos? She remem8ers our old queen! Which made ME remem8er.
She was called Her Imperious Condescension! And was possi8ly a mermaid 8aroness.
I guess that's who we overthrew! Sounds like a pretty 8ig deal, right?

(Also Jesus promises are 8ullshit, I can 8r8k promises whenever I want. 8ut I totally appreci8 your dum8 shitty attempt at 8eing reassuring there! Yeah.)

holy shit woah, we overthrew a mermaid baroness?
i guess we were super badass?
like more badass than just being jesuses.
have you tried fonting at the roxy chick??
maybe that'll make more memories, so we can confirm if she's one of ours.

(jesus-karson promises are stronger than jesus-octavia promises, goddamnit)

CRAZY 8adass. The Roxy chick said Her Condescension was coming after her and her friends? And there was a game and she wanted to resurrect her mom. Which doesn't ring any 8ells for me (except the dead mom 8it? I killed the spider) and when I fonted at her she didn't remem8er me.
Which is. Pro8a8ly a good thing, considering every8ody that remem8ers Spinneret fucking h8ted her stupid 8lue guts. Haha!
I have kind of stopped fonting at people. In case they remem8er 8ad shit a8out me. Her. Whatever.

Actually on that note I kind of have some. Suspicions. A8out some8ody you should pro8a8ly font at on the team's 8ehalf, leader. Gr8 leader! Fearless, 8rave leader8rother who no8ody past-life h8ted. 8)

i don't trust that 8)
i never trust an emote made with the number eight.
never fucking ever.
who is it?

Calm your not-tits!!!!!!!!
That Travis guy? I was talking to him WAY 8ack and then I remem8ered, uh.
Knowing a guy in a wheelchair and saying some stuff to him and stuff 8ack when I was Spinneret? The deets 8n't important. 8ut it was all super familiar!
And then I remem8ered MORE a8out him when I remem8ered dying in two places at once. In the gold place there was just some girl, 8ut in the other place there was wheelchair guy again, 8eing a complete fucking failure at everything.
And his name was Tavros. Which kind of sounds like Travis?
The evidence is kind of shaky 8ut whatever. You should font at him! You, and not me. For reasons!

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