Karson Valenti's Voice Mail

[enrages]

"NO, WAL-MART, I'M NOT GOING TO RETURN YOUR FUCKING CALLS. I APPLIED TO YOUR SHITTYASS STORE, LIKE, A GODDAMN YEAR AGO. I DON'T. WANT. THE. JOB. STOP CALLING.

If you're not Wal-Mart or a telemarketer, just leave a message, and I'll probably get back to you eventually. Seriously, though, this is 2012. Why the hell aren't you using something that's suitably futuristic and technologically advanced, like text messages or email? Who the fuck calls people anymore, I me---"

*beeeep*

Comments

[enrages]

alright, that's acceptable too.
keeping me alive is a great idea.

shipping names are always necessary.

[eras]

okay that pretty much begs the question:
who else do you have shipping names for

[enrages]

no other friends of mine are dating, so i don't have anything.








unless
do you know people that i also know who are dating???
deets deets deets deets i need the gossip soulbond leadership-- give me romance deets.

[eras]

um
not really!!
i don't think anyone i know is actually dating anyone else
and i've seen exactly one person get teased about a crush but that was just trolling
i guess to know you would have to do a relationship poll on the network or something

[enrages]

ugh that ruins all the fun about romance shit, though.
just
outright ASKING.
so not the right way to gossip.

[eras]

then sorry i have no gossip
travis isn't dating anyone nor are any of the other people i regularly hang out with

[enrages]

daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamnnnn.
well, if you hear anything, soulbond leader orders that you tell me.
immediately.

[eras]

roger that
(have YOU heard anything else?)

[enrages]

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
i mean i dont even think people on the network are dating too much?????
if they are, they're keeping it hidden.
how sucky is that???

[eras]

i think there's that one married couple

[enrages]

they don't count.

[eras]

why not?

[enrages]

i'm about 97% sure that they're just one person, pretending to be two.

[eras]

why on earth would anyone do that

[enrages]

do you watch MTV?
there's a show called catfish where they do shit like that all the goddamn time.
it's so ridiculous, but it's a thing.

[eras]

no i mostly watch the history channel and like the nasa channel
and national geographic specials
i don't see the point in pretending to be someone you aren't i guess!
especially on a network where people face life and death every day

[enrages]

some people are just fucking crazy, i guess.

[eras]

okay that's fair and true

[enrages]

got we gotta like
get people dating and shit up in here.

[eras]

how do you even propose to do that
i guess most people don't find an alien invasion (or wtfever we agreed this is) that romantic
weirdly :p

[enrages]

it's like
the suspension bridge effect.
if you're in a dangerous situation with someone else, you're more likely to fall in love.

[eras]

are you suggesting we put people in dangerous situations on purpose
or suggesting it should happen if we wait long enough
or what

[enrages]

i think that if we do dangerous things, we should do them in groups of two, and we should carefully pick those groups.

[eras]

who would you send me off in a group with

[enrages]

im not telling.