Karson Valenti's Voice Mail

[enrages]

"NO, WAL-MART, I'M NOT GOING TO RETURN YOUR FUCKING CALLS. I APPLIED TO YOUR SHITTYASS STORE, LIKE, A GODDAMN YEAR AGO. I DON'T. WANT. THE. JOB. STOP CALLING.

If you're not Wal-Mart or a telemarketer, just leave a message, and I'll probably get back to you eventually. Seriously, though, this is 2012. Why the hell aren't you using something that's suitably futuristic and technologically advanced, like text messages or email? Who the fuck calls people anymore, I me---"

*beeeep*

Comments

[enrages]

they don't count.

[eras]

why not?

[enrages]

i'm about 97% sure that they're just one person, pretending to be two.

[eras]

why on earth would anyone do that

[enrages]

do you watch MTV?
there's a show called catfish where they do shit like that all the goddamn time.
it's so ridiculous, but it's a thing.

[eras]

no i mostly watch the history channel and like the nasa channel
and national geographic specials
i don't see the point in pretending to be someone you aren't i guess!
especially on a network where people face life and death every day

[enrages]

some people are just fucking crazy, i guess.

[eras]

okay that's fair and true

[enrages]

got we gotta like
get people dating and shit up in here.

[eras]

how do you even propose to do that
i guess most people don't find an alien invasion (or wtfever we agreed this is) that romantic
weirdly :p

[enrages]

it's like
the suspension bridge effect.
if you're in a dangerous situation with someone else, you're more likely to fall in love.

[eras]

are you suggesting we put people in dangerous situations on purpose
or suggesting it should happen if we wait long enough
or what

[enrages]

i think that if we do dangerous things, we should do them in groups of two, and we should carefully pick those groups.

[eras]

who would you send me off in a group with

[enrages]

im not telling.

[eras]

...does that mean you don't know? :p

[enrages]

no, i know.
what would you define your sexuality as, though?
i need to know that to confirm my plans.

[eras]

either or

[enrages]

yeah thats legit.
okay.
got my plans.

[eras]

i suddenly feel concerned again
what would you define your sexuality as, karson?

[enrages]

i'm heterosexual, but well aware of my cis privilege.

[eras]

your answers are certainly never dull

[enrages]

they are truthful.
truthinessful.

[eras]

truthinessful?
so when exactly was the last time you slept

[enrages]

h
hah
hahahahahahaaahahaa
months
years
weeks
man i dont even fuckin know anymore.
i fell asleep after the mine thing, and haven't slept since.
i cant count time anymore, it doesnt work right.