Karson Valenti's Voice Mail

[enrages]

"NO, WAL-MART, I'M NOT GOING TO RETURN YOUR FUCKING CALLS. I APPLIED TO YOUR SHITTYASS STORE, LIKE, A GODDAMN YEAR AGO. I DON'T. WANT. THE. JOB. STOP CALLING.

If you're not Wal-Mart or a telemarketer, just leave a message, and I'll probably get back to you eventually. Seriously, though, this is 2012. Why the hell aren't you using something that's suitably futuristic and technologically advanced, like text messages or email? Who the fuck calls people anymore, I me---"

*beeeep*

Comments

[enrages]

a



wait a what?
is that some kind of tampon or something?????

[counterclock]

you know like vermini but super duper worse

[counterclock]

i had it explained to me while i was trying to figure out if you were okay

[enrages]

wait what????
slow down, what happened??????
i'm missing something here hold on

[enrages]

[ ten minutes later ]

[enrages]

SWEET SON OF A COCK OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY IS EVERYONE OKAY DID ANYONE GET MURDERED EHQAT EHE FUCK TWHAT?!!?!?1/1!/1!?/1/1/!/!?11/?!?!?!?
I DIDITN LOOK AT THE NETWORK FOR A WEEK AND HOLY SHIT BOVIOUSLY THE WORST FUCKING WEEKT O TAKE A BREAK OH MY GOD HSOYL IM SO SORRY ARE YOU OKAY?1

[counterclock]

of course im ok i mean who wouldnt be ok sitting on a curb for thirty minutes convinced their date had been eaten or something when they werent looking im goddamn spiffy karson top form and if you ever fucking leave somewhere without saying anything again when were under a goddamn alien invasion i will do something severe altho i couldnt say what exactly

[enrages]

fuck oh god, okay you're not dead or in a coma or anything thank god.
uh

wow
in context, i'm an incredible asshole, fuck.

[counterclock]

i didnt think youd be mad enough to straight up leave

[enrages]

fuck okay whatever emotions i was feeling are completely insignificant to the feelings of someone who got attacke dby fuckign ALIEN MONSTERS that mightor might not be related to DEER.
i was being EMOTIONAL AS USUAL LIKE RIHGT NOW BUT T;IKE FUCK
im sorry wow
im so fucking sorry im trash sorry.

[counterclock]

goddamnit you always take this shit way too far so i end up feeling bad for you halfway thru

[enrages]

no stop that don't feel sorry YOU HAVE EVER RIGHT TO BE ANGRY AND TO HATE ME SO YOU HAD BETTER DO THAT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW BECAUSE I DESERVE IT.

[counterclock]

youre just really fucking pitiable ok

[enrages]

NO, YOU ARE.
I LEFT YOU AT A PARTY THAT GOT ATTACKED BY ALIENS AND YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT MY UNGRATEFUL TERRIBLE-FRIEND ASS.
THAT'S PITIABLE AS FUCK.

[counterclock]

dont forget the part where it was technically a date

[enrages]

it
was a date?

[counterclock]

i asked you out and we wore matching costumes dude weve gone on dates before why is this even a little bit unanticipated

[enrages]

idk now it seems more serious since like
you almost died.
that's like
a real hardcore date thing.

[counterclock]

except you werent even there for that part you were fapping next to your dog or someth

[enrages]

what ew no gross ugrh.

[enrages]

i mean

uh
i should have been there.

[counterclock]

wait so do you send crab out of the room when you jerk off

[enrages]

WE ARE NOT DISCUSSING MY DICK TOUCHING HABITS.

[counterclock]

but you do touch it right

[enrages]

WE ARE *NOT* DISCUSSING MY DICK TOUCHING HABITS.