Karson Valenti's Voice Mail

[enrages]

"NO, WAL-MART, I'M NOT GOING TO RETURN YOUR FUCKING CALLS. I APPLIED TO YOUR SHITTYASS STORE, LIKE, A GODDAMN YEAR AGO. I DON'T. WANT. THE. JOB. STOP CALLING.

If you're not Wal-Mart or a telemarketer, just leave a message, and I'll probably get back to you eventually. Seriously, though, this is 2012. Why the hell aren't you using something that's suitably futuristic and technologically advanced, like text messages or email? Who the fuck calls people anymore, I me---"

*beeeep*

Comments

[counterclock]

i will fight you for your hand

[enrages]

i will scurry away, both for my life and for my dignity.

[counterclock]

holding my hand is undignified now

[enrages]

only when i dont want to hold your hand.
and i dont want to hold it today because i'm trash etc etc all the reasons above about how i'm a terrible friend cross-applied here.

[counterclock]

well i guess that makes sense yeah

[counterclock]

youre all within your rights to not hold hands because you feel bad about yourself

[counterclock]

but maybe holding hands would make you feel better or someth

[enrages]

is
this like when you said weed might make me sleep

[counterclock]

it almost did until you freaked out and ran away

[counterclock]

and wow what a great thing to bring up

[counterclock]

one of us being an absolute dick to the other and you running away is a big theme in our friendship apparently

[counterclock]

but no you fucktard its nothing like that holding hands is not an illicit substance

[enrages]

it basically is.
you know how like holding hands and shit stimulates the brain in the same way that drugs does.
it is literally drugs, just less illicit.

[counterclock]

oooh baby u wanna come over and do some hand drugs with me

[enrages]

DO NOT CONDESCEND TO ME.

[counterclock]

how is that being condescending

[enrages]

handholding is a big deal.
drugs are a big deal.

[counterclock]

pfffffffffft only if you make em that way