Karson Valenti's Voice Mail

[enrages]

"NO, WAL-MART, I'M NOT GOING TO RETURN YOUR FUCKING CALLS. I APPLIED TO YOUR SHITTYASS STORE, LIKE, A GODDAMN YEAR AGO. I DON'T. WANT. THE. JOB. STOP CALLING.

If you're not Wal-Mart or a telemarketer, just leave a message, and I'll probably get back to you eventually. Seriously, though, this is 2012. Why the hell aren't you using something that's suitably futuristic and technologically advanced, like text messages or email? Who the fuck calls people anymore, I me---"

*beeeep*

Comments

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[enrages]

im a musician!
i have standards!

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[counterclock]

ten bucks says 90% of what you play is in 4/4 bitch

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[enrages]

maybe in marching band.
but not in concert, which is where i play most of my music.
punk.

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[counterclock]

well there you fuckin go 4/4 time has its damn place its completely valid u elitist

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[enrages]

only when you're wearing a military-esque uniform and marching with a bigass instrument.

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[counterclock]

you realize that queen wrote music in 4/4
charlie chaplin
tina turner
the beatles
lady gaga

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[enrages]

i dont like that shit.

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if you translate that into morse code it's a song that i just wrote about my grief and also what a piece of shit with horrible taste you are dude you deserve to die in gang violence how does a person not like qUEEN?

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[enrages]

JESUS TITTYFUCKING CHRIST STOP FUCKING MESSAGING ME POINTLESS THINGS EVERY ONE OF THOSE COSTS ME MONEY YOU ASSHOLE MONEY THAT YOU WILL NEVER GET BACK.
YEAH THAT'S RIGHT I'M SUBTRACTING EACH TEXT FROM WHAT I OWE YOU.

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[counterclock]

dude you just called queen the beatles and tina turner shit i will never fucking feel sorry for you again you realize these are some of the most amazing modern musicians in recent history right???? are you also going to tell me you like hate idk david bowie or journey or the temptations. do u hate arethra franklin and etta james

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[counterclock]

you know what just for that i swear im going to text you every single day for the rest of your miserable music hating life

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[enrages]

all of those musicians have been tainted by how shitty you are and how your tastes are incredibly shitty.
so from this point on, while i just didn't like listening to them, i now quadruple hate them, and it's entirely because of you.

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i bet youre a one direction fan

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is your favourite song baby by jbiebz

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[enrages]

ugh no.
come the fuck on.
4/4 time, moron.

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[counterclock]

yeah at this point i wonder if its all just a fuckin ruse i bet u actually love 4/4 time huh valenti youre all queer for those four steady beats

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[enrages]

nope.
that's pretty much the opposite of what i feel, you punkass motherfucker.
it's because i'm a TRUE MUSICIAN and all that boring whiny shit with people playing the same guitar chords over and over while singing about mundane dumbwhatever that everyone pretends to understand but doesnt at all.

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arethra franklin was a revolutionary singer not a fucking guitarist and she sang about feminism and love you pig

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[enrages]

doesn't mean i have to like her voice.

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[counterclock]

okay i figured it out finally you arent actually alive youre just a creature of hate who was supposed to die years ago but was too spiteful toward the earth to do us one favour of ridding the rest of us of your existence