Karson Valenti's Voice Mail

[enrages]

"NO, WAL-MART, I'M NOT GOING TO RETURN YOUR FUCKING CALLS. I APPLIED TO YOUR SHITTYASS STORE, LIKE, A GODDAMN YEAR AGO. I DON'T. WANT. THE. JOB. STOP CALLING.

If you're not Wal-Mart or a telemarketer, just leave a message, and I'll probably get back to you eventually. Seriously, though, this is 2012. Why the hell aren't you using something that's suitably futuristic and technologically advanced, like text messages or email? Who the fuck calls people anymore, I me---"

*beeeep*

Comments

[counterclock]

[She sighs.] Shit, Kar. [Well he's eaten, she guesses there's no point in putting it off.]

You wanna do this thing, then? You don't have to if you don't wanna, we can just watch a movie or someth if you've changed your mind.

[enrages]

[ Staring blankly at the place the pets were about five seconds ago. ]

The worst part is day ten through fourteen. It's unbearable. I will literally do anything at this point to sleep for a single fucking hour.

[ He turns to Avery, obviously exhausted beyond belief. ]

Let's do this shit.

[counterclock]

Okay then.

C'mon. [She tosses her head in the direction of her bedroom, then turns to lead the way. Grabbing her Special Box of Special on the way in, she folds her legs under her and sits on her designated side of the bed, before pointing at the pile of pillows and a blanket that makes up Karson's side.] Get comfy, [she instructs.]

[enrages]

[ He follows, letting Crab and Sparkles do whatever the fuck they do. Animal friend things. ]

I need one thing confirmed: this isn't an elaborate plot to kill me and hide the body, right?

[ He says while crawling onto the bed, going to his assigned location. ]

Just... gotta make sure. I think Bundy did shit like this.

[counterclock]

Nah, cross my heart, this is completely legit. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do and you can stop at any time. Whatever you need just ask me and I'll get it for you to the best of my ability.

Last of all, I'll be here the whole time and you won't ever be left alone, and I am a really lucid smoker so don't worry about doing anything stupid or getting your shit taken advantage of. I will legit be here to look after you until you're sober enough to drive. Unless you want to sleep over because you don't think you can drive, that's cool too. Oh, and I have a shitton of food if you get the munchies.

Anything else?

[It's a familiar speech; the same one her own sister gave her the first time they smoked. She had... an interesting family, to say the very goddamn least.]

[enrages]

[ Her little speech seems to pacify him... for now. Karson settles into the blankets and pillows, takes a deep breath and: ]

Alright. Let's go. Let's do it.

[counterclock]

Alright.

[She opens the magic box.]

I've got two options for you. We can use a pipe, or a joint. [She lifts both up and presents them for his inspection.] Choose whichever one you like best.

[enrages]

...

[ he considers the two options like a criminal on death row considers lethal injection vs firing squad. ]

Let's try the pipe. That's the stereotypical vehicle for highness, right? Plus, it's colorful. I'll always take the more colorful option.

[counterclock]

Good choice. Joints are bitchy sometimes. [She puts the joint away and takes out a lighter, then closes the box and sets it at the bottom of her bed. Wielding the pipe and the lighter in front of her mouth, she looks up at Karson to give him one last chance at backing out.]

You ready?

[enrages]

Yes. [ he says forcefully. theres no backing out. he already consumed the pizza, he is already in the pillow nest. no retreat. ]

You first, though.

[counterclock]

[She snickers at his intensity, then nods and sets the pipe between her lips and flicks the lighter on. The first inhale is a fucking godsend; it's beautiful, it's relaxation after being wound tight like a fucking thread around a bobble or whatever those fucking things are called. It hasn't even begun to influence her but just the act of breathing in makes her muscles relax in anticipation.

Smoke billows around the mouth of the pipe as she breathes out, removing it from her lips and giving Karson a crooked little smile.] Okay. It's time. It's time to get fucked up, K-man.

[enrages]

[ He crinkles his nose at the scent before reaching for the pipe. Karson takes for-fucking-ever (trying to figure out how to hold the thing, whether he should cover the little hole at the base, how does he even inhale properly?), so the ember has already gone out before he puts his lips to it. ]

Okay, so I just... Inhale, right? That's all?

[counterclock]

[Grinning a tiny bit, Avery just watches and lets him figure it out.] Yup. Just go for it, babe-- oh ahaha fuck, hold on. [Adjusting the lighter in her hand, Avery inches closer, holding it over the barrel of the pipe.] That shit went out, I gotta light it again.

I'm gonna turn it on, just breathe in when I tell you, mmkay? Don't take too much. Hold your breath for like, two seconds, but if you feel like you're gonna cough blow it out so you don't lose your shit, alright?

[She flicks the lighter.] Kill it, bad boy.

[enrages]

[ to be a man you must have honor
honor and a penis ]

Just breathe, okay. I got this. I can do it. Alright... [ He puts his lips to the tip again and inhales. He waits long enough to pull away from the pipe before erupting into coughing and lungpain. ]

[counterclock]

[karson that's transphobic]

Ah, shit...

[Pulling the pipe away, Avery gives him a small, crooked smile of sympathy. She did the same thing, basically. No instruction really stops the humiliation of your first coughing fit. It's only because her sister did the same thing for her that Avery brings her hand to his back and rubs it lightly, patting him and waiting for the coughing to stop.]

C'mon now. Don't feel bad, everyone does it. I did, too, aha...

[enrages]

[ Too busy coughing to feel embarrassed. ]

Wa-- [ coughs coughs coughs ] Water, fuck. I need-- [ coughs into the sunset ]

[counterclock]

[Avery sets the pipe between her teeth and rolls her eyes as she hops up to grab a bottle of water she had set out beforehand. She doesn't trust him to catch it so she doesn't throw it to him, instead picking up his hand and putting the bottle into his palm when she comes back.]

Hey, babe, c'mon. Relax. I'll be over quicker that way.

[enrages]

[ CHUGS THAT SHIT ]

Ugh, it doesn't hurt. It's just, ugh. [ cough ] Lemme try again. I won't cough this time.

[counterclock]

Mmkay. [Her hand comes up to the pipe and Avery breathes in, taking a quick hit before passing it on to Karson.] Just take it slow. I believe in you 'n shit.

[enrages]

Oh, shut up. [ eyeroll as he inhales and starts a coughing fit all over again. ]

[counterclock]

[Avery slowly eases herself onto the bed next to him, leaning back against the plethora of pillows. She pats his back idly, waiting for him to stop coughing; her eyes drift to where Crab and Sparkles are playing on the carpet, not too far away. It's nice. Minus the, uh. Coughing fit.]

You're hitting it too fast. What did I goddamn say about relaxing?

[enrages]

Oh, shut up. [ wheeze. Despite being a little bitch 24/7, he's actually grateful for the backpats. Even if he'll never admit to it.

wheeze some more and then he GOES FOR ANOTHER HIT TO BE THE ULTIMATE BADASS no this was a bad idea ]

[counterclock]

[Oookay that's enough. Avery gently wrestles the pipe away from his grasp, snickering a little.] Dude, you should not be taking this much on the first time. You're gonna get wrecked.

Shit I think you've had more than I have. [Lazily, she draws another puff, trying to remedy this.