enrages | Karson Valenti's Voice Mail

Karson Valenti's Voice Mail

"NO, WAL-MART, I'M NOT GOING TO RETURN YOUR FUCKING CALLS. I APPLIED TO YOUR SHITTYASS STORE, LIKE, A GODDAMN YEAR AGO. I DON'T. WANT. THE. JOB. STOP CALLING.

If you're not Wal-Mart or a telemarketer, just leave a message, and I'll probably get back to you eventually. Seriously, though, this is 2012. Why the hell aren't you using something that's suitably futuristic and technologically advanced, like text messages or email? Who the fuck calls people anymore, I me---"

*beeeep*

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Since cars and car accidents are a bit of a touchy subject, no one should be surprised that this happened shortly after THIS revelation. ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THE BARRAGE OF FURIOUS TEXTS THAT ARE ABOUT TO INTERRUPT YOUR MORNING KARSON. ]

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU (1)
YOU HIT SOMEONE? (2)
YOU HIT SOMEONE!!! (3)
I KNOW YOU'RE A TERRIBLE DRIVER BUT YOU **HIT SOMEONE** (4)
AND YOU MUGGED SOMEONE TOO (5)
WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE WHY HASN'T THAT BEEN TAKEN (6)
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU (7)
I can't even talk to you right now (8)

holy shit.
what.
what!?!? (1)
CALM THE FUCK DOWN, THIS IS TOTALLY UNNECESSARY. (2)
SHE HIT ME. (3 & 4)
I SWEAR TO GOD, SHE'S THE ONE WHO HIT ME, IT WASN'T ME. (5)
I WAS LITERALLY GOING LIKE ONE MILE PER HOUR, AND SHE JUST SKATEBOARDS INTO MY CAR. (6)
AND THE MUGGING THING WASN'T EVEN A REAL MUGGING. (7)
IT WAS A FAKEY FAKE PRETEND MUGGING AND WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT?!?!!!?!?
WHERE ARE YOU GETTING YOUR INFORMATION FROM!?!!!!!??!!?!??! (8)

Your jerk of a co-conspirator did!
And I'm not going to even touch that, because you're in a car.
CARS DON'T GET HURT WHEN PEOPLE HIT THEM.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT SHE LITERALLY CRASHED INTO MY CAR.
THAT WAS LITERALLY NOTHING I COULD DO TO STOP THAT SHIT.
THERE WAS NOTHING.
IT WAS ALL HER.

What would she say if I asked her?

she

would say some really weird shit, because she always says some really weird shit.
i think i caught her eyeing my butt once.
that's the kinda weird stuff i'm talking about.
you don't want to hear about my butt.
no one wants to hear about my butt.

Well.
Okay. I'll give you that. She's weird.
So maybe you're telling the whole truth.

i tell nothing but the whole truth, so help me god.

Do you swear to Crab?

I SWEAR ON CRAB.

Okay. Fine.
But if you ever do hit someone, or hurt someone, I will never forgive you.
I'm just putting that there, on the table.

yeah

yeah, i get it.
that'd be legit, and honestly, i wouldn't even fault you for it.

Yeah...
So just be more careful.
Okay?

[ wow actually feeling pretty bad here dang ]

okay.
i promise.

[ king of the passive-aggressive guilt trip. right here. ]

Are you coming to the party?

what party?

The one that Marisa's throwing. I guess.
Aria wants to go so I guess I'm going.

who the hell is marisa?

also who else is going?

I have no idea? She's on the network and goes to our school.
And... As far as I know, Danny Fenton? And Aria, and Mara, and me.
Apparently everyone in our school who is a member of the club is getting an invite, one way or the other.

if there's a party, tavia's probably going.
and she'll drag her shouty boyfriend along.
and if they're going to be there, i think i have the right to invite myself, kanti, and teresa.

Oh my God. Please, no.
To her, not everyone else.
Even Aria doesn't like her! That's like, impossible. Aria likes everyone.

all of those ladies are my friends.
i don't know which one you're talking about, but i'm about to get super defensive about all of them.

Octavia has been super rude to me, so, I'll just get defensive right back.

son, you do not want to face me in a defensive off.
i have been preparing for this all my goddamn life.
my defensiveness levels are off the fucking charts.

Okay then what's defendable about her? Because, I haven't seen anything so far.