Karson Valenti's Voice Mail

[enrages]

"NO, WAL-MART, I'M NOT GOING TO RETURN YOUR FUCKING CALLS. I APPLIED TO YOUR SHITTYASS STORE, LIKE, A GODDAMN YEAR AGO. I DON'T. WANT. THE. JOB. STOP CALLING.

If you're not Wal-Mart or a telemarketer, just leave a message, and I'll probably get back to you eventually. Seriously, though, this is 2012. Why the hell aren't you using something that's suitably futuristic and technologically advanced, like text messages or email? Who the fuck calls people anymore, I me---"

*beeeep*

Comments

[counterclock]

but i know youre a wimp and i shoulda accommodated for that i shoulda tried to calm you down instead of letting you leave like you did its just i froze up like a fucking asshole and let you run off instead of helping like an actual friend should and you know your friend was fucking right to punch me in the face for it i deserved it

[enrages]

wow no do not victim blame yourself!!!!!
none of that bullshit!!!!!!!!

[counterclock]

dude i am not victim blaming myself

[enrages]

you totally are.

[counterclock]

karson your best friend did not *victimise* me

[enrages]

you are a victim of a terrifying punch in the face, and while you might be an asshole, no one deserves violence!
so yes, my best friend DID victimize you.

[counterclock]

you have problems like serious problems

[counterclock]

i cant believe you are siding with me over her what is your life karson

[enrages]

no, you're not getting the full story.
i also agree with her right to punch you in the face, especially after her having to see me cry like a baby.
i equally support both of you.

[counterclock]

uh thanks kar thats really fuckin helpful like goddamn how fucking infuriatingly civil can you be

[enrages]

look, it's not my fucking place to decide what is and what isn't just.
even if i'm jesus.

[counterclock]

youre what now

[enrages]

oh
i forgot to tell you.
i'm literally becoming jesus.
people remember me as some type of jesusy figure.

[counterclock]

isnt jesus supposed to be yknow....calm and actually good at mediating shit

[enrages]

don't tell me what i'm supposed to be like.
didn't you read the bible?
jesus totally flipped his shit more than once.

[counterclock]

actually i think he only flipped his shit once and i bet he never spit in anyones pizza

[enrages]

jesus totally would have spit in someone's pizza.
especially if they were an asshole roman.
turn the other cheek, motherfucker.
so you can spit from a different angle.

[counterclock]

pffffffffft yea squirt i dont think so but nice try