Karson Valenti's Voice Mail

[enrages]

"NO, WAL-MART, I'M NOT GOING TO RETURN YOUR FUCKING CALLS. I APPLIED TO YOUR SHITTYASS STORE, LIKE, A GODDAMN YEAR AGO. I DON'T. WANT. THE. JOB. STOP CALLING.

If you're not Wal-Mart or a telemarketer, just leave a message, and I'll probably get back to you eventually. Seriously, though, this is 2012. Why the hell aren't you using something that's suitably futuristic and technologically advanced, like text messages or email? Who the fuck calls people anymore, I me---"

*beeeep*

Comments

[counterclock]

dude

[counterclock]

hes my fucking COUSIN

[enrages]

[ He follows, letting Crab and Sparkles do whatever the fuck they do. Animal friend things. ]

I need one thing confirmed: this isn't an elaborate plot to kill me and hide the body, right?

[ He says while crawling onto the bed, going to his assigned location. ]

Just... gotta make sure. I think Bundy did shit like this.

[enrages]

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
aren't cousins supposed to be your age?????
what the fuck.
how did you find out?
does he know???

[enrages]

i'm glad.
i guess.
soulbond leader is a lot of responsibility, and it would suck if you guys just started chipping away at my authority, which would make all of us ridiculously ineffective at responding as a group, and probably result in our deaths.

[enrages]

omfg you are terrible how do you NOT KNOW WHICH ONES SHE LIKES BEST?!

[eras]

well so far you haven't asked me to do anything that doesn't make sense
although if you plan to have us responding as a group we should probably know one another better
on the whole i mean
idk that i know everyone you mentioned beyond names

[counterclock]

Nah, cross my heart, this is completely legit. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do and you can stop at any time. Whatever you need just ask me and I'll get it for you to the best of my ability.

Last of all, I'll be here the whole time and you won't ever be left alone, and I am a really lucid smoker so don't worry about doing anything stupid or getting your shit taken advantage of. I will legit be here to look after you until you're sober enough to drive. Unless you want to sleep over because you don't think you can drive, that's cool too. Oh, and I have a shitton of food if you get the munchies.

Anything else?

[It's a familiar speech; the same one her own sister gave her the first time they smoked. She had... an interesting family, to say the very goddamn least.]

[counterclock]

like once removed or something shitty like that and dude of course he fucking knows how else would i know

[counterclock]

what happened was i asked him about his family because we have the same last name and my gran was totes his aunt and i dont even believe it is this real fuckin life pinch me or something piss in my cheerios see if i notice

[counterclock]

idk because im not a fucking sociopath maybe

[enrages]

i didn't even think of that, woah.
okay, yeah, that's a legit idea.
what do we do?
have some kinda
network get together??
an official meeting to talk out strats????

[enrages]

IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF BEING A SOCIOPATH.
WANTING TO GIVE YOUR ANIMAL WHAT SHE WANTS IS EMPATHY.
GET YOUR FUCKING DEFINITIONS RIIIIGHT.

[enrages]

why the FUCK didn't he help you guys when your gran died?!!?!?!
if he's so fucking close in the family and probably knew your goddamn grandma, why didn't he give a single shit?!
he's an adult!
he has money!
he could have given you guys a place to stay or made things less hard?!
WHAT THE FUCK

[counterclock]

fuck you man that kind of attention to detail is the shit that breeds skinning people so you can make a coat out of them

[enrages]

what
what
WHAT
WHAT
WHATWHATWHATWHATWHTHAWHHTWHATHAHWTWHHHOW DID YOU EVEN DRAW THAT CONCLUSION1?!

[counterclock]

i dont think he even knew we exist babe

[eras]

a get together would probably be useful
and some sort of talk about strats sure
do we have strats
is that a thing we have
see i dont even know that!

[counterclock]

my cat doesnt have a favourite fucking popsicle karson and even if she did i wouldnt know because i dont spend ten years letting my cat sample different icecreams to see which one she likes the most that is something crazy people do

[enrages]

well FUCK HIM WITH SOME BARBED WIRE, WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT.
DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HIS OWN FAMILY OR IF THEY'RE IN TROUBLE.
WHAT THE HELL KINDA GUY DOES THAT.
rughruhgurhugshugd gdfgud im so mad.

[enrages]

alright fine.
there's nothing wrong with being crazy.
if you're not going to do it, i'll do it.

[enrages]

we are gonna HAVE strats.
we might not have them right now, but strats are coming.
we will have an A strat.
a B strat.
and even a C strat.
we will be ready for any and all challenges we might possibly ever face.

[counterclock]

..................do what

[counterclock]

idk not like its his fault i wouldnt want to know about my moms shitty life or shitty kids if i was a relative anyway

[enrages]

it's his fucking fault, and he knows it.