Karson Valenti's Voice Mail

[enrages]

"NO, WAL-MART, I'M NOT GOING TO RETURN YOUR FUCKING CALLS. I APPLIED TO YOUR SHITTYASS STORE, LIKE, A GODDAMN YEAR AGO. I DON'T. WANT. THE. JOB. STOP CALLING.

If you're not Wal-Mart or a telemarketer, just leave a message, and I'll probably get back to you eventually. Seriously, though, this is 2012. Why the hell aren't you using something that's suitably futuristic and technologically advanced, like text messages or email? Who the fuck calls people anymore, I me---"

*beeeep*

Comments

[enrages]

black.

[counterclock]

classy

[counterclock]

anything else i should know like should i bring you flowers or some gay shit

[enrages]

i will also owe you nothing at all.
this is free food for me, nothing else.

[counterclock]

all i want is the pleasure of seeing you recoil at having to sit at a table with me for 45 mins

[enrages]

am i allowed to vomit?

[counterclock]

only if u wanna risk getting kicked outta the restaurant then sure

[enrages]

alright fine.
no throwing up.

[counterclock]

good boy

[counterclock]

you get dessert if u hold my hand and stare lovingly into my eyes for at least forty seconds

[enrages]

ugh this food had better be worth it.


the dessert too.

[counterclock]

hey you chose the damn restaurant if you want something else fucking say so b4 its too late duh

[enrages]

hell no, we're doing it.
we're making this happen.

[counterclock]

we are making this shit TRANSPIRE

[enrages]

i regret all my life choices.

[counterclock]

thats what i was aiming for tbh

TEXT

[summit]

[ Since cars and car accidents are a bit of a touchy subject, no one should be surprised that this happened shortly after THIS revelation. ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THE BARRAGE OF FURIOUS TEXTS THAT ARE ABOUT TO INTERRUPT YOUR MORNING KARSON. ]

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU (1)
YOU HIT SOMEONE? (2)
YOU HIT SOMEONE!!! (3)
I KNOW YOU'RE A TERRIBLE DRIVER BUT YOU **HIT SOMEONE** (4)
AND YOU MUGGED SOMEONE TOO (5)
WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE WHY HASN'T THAT BEEN TAKEN (6)
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU (7)
I can't even talk to you right now (8)

TEXT

[enrages]

holy shit.
what.
what!?!? (1)
CALM THE FUCK DOWN, THIS IS TOTALLY UNNECESSARY. (2)
SHE HIT ME. (3 & 4)
I SWEAR TO GOD, SHE'S THE ONE WHO HIT ME, IT WASN'T ME. (5)
I WAS LITERALLY GOING LIKE ONE MILE PER HOUR, AND SHE JUST SKATEBOARDS INTO MY CAR. (6)
AND THE MUGGING THING WASN'T EVEN A REAL MUGGING. (7)
IT WAS A FAKEY FAKE PRETEND MUGGING AND WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT?!?!!!?!?
WHERE ARE YOU GETTING YOUR INFORMATION FROM!?!!!!!??!!?!??! (8)

TEXT

[summit]

Your jerk of a co-conspirator did!
And I'm not going to even touch that, because you're in a car.
CARS DON'T GET HURT WHEN PEOPLE HIT THEM.

[counterclock]

http://24.media.tumblr.com/deedfea359474e839b81c4396520e79a/tumblr_ms47h3ckqf1rnz1gso1_500.gif
this is what meth does to you btw

[enrages]

w
wh
what
thwat wth fuck am i witnessing

TEXT

[enrages]

IT'S NOT MY FAULT SHE LITERALLY CRASHED INTO MY CAR.
THAT WAS LITERALLY NOTHING I COULD DO TO STOP THAT SHIT.
THERE WAS NOTHING.
IT WAS ALL HER.

1/?

[counterclock]

hell

[counterclock]

you are witnessing hell my sweet precious child

[counterclock]

dont do meth